Self-Love Conquers All

I was around 21 when I had my first real orgasm. I was home from college for winter break and treated myself to my first vibrator for my December birthday. It was cold, my then-boyfriend and I were apart for the holidays and I was lonely. I bought what was to become my prized possession from Spencer's for $25--not a bad price for a gift that keeps on giving. (Do you know some vibrators can cost over $100?!) It was a small, black dolphin design made for concentrated stimulation. Like most adult toys it had several speeds for preferred tempo. 

It was my man who encouraged me to explore and understand myself better. He was frustrated about not being able to make me climax. "You're the only girl I haven't made come," he used to say. I appreciated his concern, though I thought it might have been fueled by ego. The idea was that I would help him please me by figuring out exactly what was going on at the center of my anatomy. What I learned was that I didn't need him or anyone else to get off. I could do it myself with the investment of a sex toy.

Before my boyfriend's motivation I didn't think much about masturbation. I'd used my hands a few times and never really accomplished anything. I thought I was having the same sexual experience every other woman was having. It was good sex but not earth shattering. Most of my excitement came from just being with someone I found extremely attractive, rather than an actual physical explosion. 

The first time I orgasmed I couldn't believe what I'd been missing for the handful of years I'd been having sex. It took me awhile to get the ball rolling. I remember laying in bed, worried my family would hear the buzzing sound of my device. I piled a blanket and pillows on top of it to mask the unmistakable noise. I aimlessly poked around. After a few minutes I started to find the sweet spots. The real pleasure-filled moments came in waves until I found a steady rhythm. I don't even think I was fantasizing about anything. The sensation alone was sufficient. Finally I peaked. My legs shook and a chill went through my spine. For a second I thought I might cry and there it was--my first orgasm complete with full-on ejaculation. I was stunned. I felt like I had just learned a magic trick. 

For men it's easy to discover masturbation and climax. Women have to dig deeper for that same pleasure. For some women the discovery comes early in life, maybe from an innocent activity like riding a bike or wiggling down a slide at the perfect angle. I wasn't so lucky. I was late to the self-love party but I quickly made up for lost time. 

I was super excited to share my discovery with my guy but he felt threatened by my new battery operated assistant. The very thing that was meant to help our intimacy became a source of tension. When I asked how he felt about me using my vibrator during intercourse he called it emasculating. The relationship dissolved soon after for other reasons. I was heartbroken but I was also sexually liberated.

Now I've gotten masturbating down to a science. I love my time alone with my vibrating bullet. It relieves stress and I can come in seconds if I want. Sometimes I prefer it to sex because it's less work, less invasive, std-free, and I don't have to sweat out my hair. No one's going to love me like I love myself. What could be better? 


Best I Never Had