It’s Ok if He Doesn’t Come
It may sound ridiculous but I had to learn, over time, that it’s ok if I have sex with a guy and he doesn’t climax. While having sex is meant to be mutually beneficial, and the best kind of intercourse is characterized by both (or all) parties giving and taking, there will inevitably be times when one person doesn’t ejaculate or peak at all. Historically in heterosexual sex that person has been the woman, which is part of the reason I’m now able to accept if the man I’m hooking up with sometimes doesn’t finish.
I used to be preoccupied with my partner’s pleasure while my own orgasm wasn’t even a thought. When I’d have sex it was all about making sure the man was satisfied. If he didn’t climax I felt like it was my fault. I felt inadequate and like I didn’t do my job. Sometimes I just felt offended by the possibility that he didn’t find me sexy enough to bring him to orgasm. Never mind the fact that I wasn’t even reaching orgasm.
I remember my high school boyfriend asking me once, “You cum when we have sex, right?” He was sweet and ahead of his self-concerned peers for even asking. I told him I did. It was a lie. All I knew was that I liked having sex with him. I guess I didn’t want to make him feel bad, or stir the pot and create trouble in teenage dream/puppy love paradise. Things were going well otherwise. I was content going through the motions when I didn’t know what I was missing.
Later, in college, cumming came up again. At that point I couldn’t just pretend or brush it under the rug. I was in a more serious relationship. My then-boyfriend urged me to figure out what I like so we could get the most out of our sex life. It was life-changing learning that I could ejaculate with a small vibrator.
I recently spent a weekend with one of my ex-boyfriends. When we had sex the first time he didn’t finish. “Yeah...I lost it,” he said, referring to his deflated erection while my ass was perched in doggystyle. I accepted it and we spooned. Back in the day I would’ve rolled over, my back facing him in disappointment and defeat. This time I was able to say, “Remember when I used to get upset if you didn’t cum?” He reminded me that I used to passive aggressively withhold sex for days afterward. Yikes! I laugh at the thought now.
Since my days of inhibited, naive, inexperienced teen sex I’ve learned to focus more on what makes me feel good. I’ve learned it’s okay to be selfish in bed sometimes. Fortunately as I’ve gotten older I’ve come across more men who are invested in putting my pleasure first and I’m loving it. It’s about time.