How My Childhood Ruined Me

My biggest struggle is my lack of drive, ambition, and motivation. I’ve spent years wasting my days away, paralyzed by an invisible force that keeps me from fulfilling my wildest dreams. When I was growing up I imagined becoming the coolest, most successful version of myself, but I underestimated the amount of effort and intention it would take for me to realize that image. After looking back, searching for where I went wrong, I’ve found an outstanding factor for why I often become stagnant in my day-to-day life: while growing up I was constantly rewarded for doing the bare minimum.

My friend dressed for the recital, and me, dressed as a quitter

The earliest example I can remember is when my mom signed me up for ballet when I was about four years old. My best friend registered for the class as well. I quickly grew tired of attending the weekly dance lessons and ended up dropping out before the recital. When my BFF’s parents treated her to a stretch limousine to take her to the theatre on the day of the show, I insisted on riding along. Our parents obliged. This would’ve been a great opportunity for my parents to teach me the importance of commitment, of finishing what I start. Instead I was rewarded with a shiny limo ride.

It may sound ridiculous to think I’ve carried that moment into my adult life but I believe it was a formative experience that I internalized subconsciously until now.

Later in life I was sitting at the electric keyboard my parents bought me for my sixteenth birthday. I was playing Fur Elise, maybe by ear, maybe reading some rudimentary sheet music from a beginners book of classic piano pieces. My dad walked through the living room where I was playing and stopped to say, “I’m proud of you.”

This sounds like an innocuous moment between father and daughter that one should cherish rather than criticize, but the thing is I never completely learned to play Fur Elise. I’d just sit and play the first few recognizable notes…the ones tons of people learn and memorize, but never move beyond. I never tried to play it for more than five minutes now and then, and my dad never challenged me to complete it or checked in on my progress.

I lacked discipline. I didn’t deserve praise.

Another example of having something basically handed to me was when my high school chemistry teacher gave me extra credit in exchange for singing the national anthem at a school event. I’d been performing horribly in her class and desperately needed the gratuitous points to pass. The extra credit was offered to me because my teacher liked me.

My childhood is peppered with scenarios like these.

I don’t want to paint myself as a spoiled brat. The truth is I’ve always been an intellect, naturally excelling in reading, literature, and the arts. I have innate abilities. I dedicated time and effort to things that defined my teenage years —athletics, singing, writing, and working since age 15.

I just don’t feel like I was ever pushed to explore my full potential. It’s no one’s fault. It’s neither right nor wrong. It just is. I’m not placing blame or pointing fingers. I made my choices and I have to live with them.

That doesn’t mean I never wonder what it would’ve been like to have parents who were hard to please or who micromanaged me. If the limo ride had been used as an incentive for me to complete the ballet class where would I be? Or what if my parents forced me to play piano for an hour each day before I could hang out with my friends? Suppose my parents never tolerated anything less than a B average, so I never had to worry about needing extra credit in the first place. Maybe I would’ve been a perfectionist, always striving for their approval and going above and beyond to seize it. Maybe my personal standards and expectations for myself would be notably higher.

The most driven and accomplished people I know have been sharpened by hardship and adversity, but I recognize the grass always seems greener on the other side. I’m grateful for my childhood and the life my parents provided for me. I know that if anything in my life is to change it’s up to me to make it happen through purposeful habits and practices. My happiness and success is my responsibility alone.

That being said, it’s also crucial to know where I come from in order to know where I’m going. Now that I’ve reflected on my past and some of the reasons why I am the way I am, I’m better equipped to forge a path of intentional change.