The Other Woman

What happens when your favorite person is also someone else’s favorite person? We’re conditioned to believe there’s not enough love and attention to go around, but maybe that’s not true.

After things ended with Cooper I redirected my energy to Carter. I was in his city for my friend’s birthday, so I hit him up. It happened to be his birthday as well. He told me he was available two out of three days of the weekend, and at first I didn’t think much of it.

When Carter said he was having friends over one night I assumed it was a boys’ night, or that because we weren’t in a committed relationship maybe he didn’t want to introduce me to his people. Fair.

It didn’t cross my mind that another love interest of his might be there because for months we’d been transparent with each other about what was (and wasn’t) going on in our love lives. I didn’t question it until I got back home to Los Angeles. I asked why he didn’t invite me to his kickback and he admitted, “The person I talk to was there.”

He was considerate of my feelings, which I appreciated. First he asked if I was upset, and later, “You okay?” 

I was a bit bitter as I replied, “It doesn’t matter if I’m ‘okay’ or not.”

His revelation hurt, but I was grateful for his honesty. I felt crushed because I thought it was the end of our relationship as I knew it, and it felt abrupt. I figured he was headed toward being exclusive with this other person. So it was my intention to take a step back and let my feelings for him fade.

But to my surprise, Carter kept interacting with me as usual — flirting and chatting me up on Instagram, and then, texting my phone with sexual energy. I realized I’d assumed the status of his other relationship was serious, but maybe in reality it wasn’t. 

So I engaged him. We went back to sexting and I was relieved that even though he had another “situation” it didn’t necessarily mean things between us had to change. 

I kind of liked that this other girl was anonymous. I didn’t have to dwell on what she looked like, or whether she was cooler or more interesting than me. If I knew nothing about her it was almost like she didn’t really exist.

Days later I was lurking on Carter’s Instagram, truly not looking for anything, but just admiring his photos and innocently perusing — regular shit that people do when they like someone. Then, coincidentally, I discovered I wasn’t the only one doing it.

Under an old post I came across a not-as-old comment, and it caught my attention. It said something about how good he looked. And he responded. Naturally, out of curiosity, I clicked on the girl’s page. At first there was no sign of Carter. Just selfies and photos with friends. Cool.

But then there was that signal we all recognize — the multicolor ring around the profile picture that lets users know when someone has posted a Story. Leaning into my curiosity, I clicked it. What I uncovered stunned me.

To my surprise, Carter kept interacting with me as usual — flirting and chatting me up on Instagram

There they were, she and Carter together at his birthday party — the one I was very intentionally not invited to. His arms were wrapped around her as he whispered in her ear and kissed her face multiple times. 

I wasn’t ready.

The fact that I’d found this intimate footage randomly, and more than a week after the party, felt like I was meant to come across it. What were the chances?

The feelings that went through me were a combination I’d never felt before. I was shocked and hurt, but also intrigued. Maybe even happy for him (I learned this is called compersion). It was strange. I felt like a fly on the wall seeing a side of Carter I wasn’t familiar with.

Until that point I’d only witnessed him as humble, sweet, and I might even say submissive. Our dynamic was different than theirs because we’d still never been together sexually. We’d sexted a tremendous amount, but it wasn’t the same. I had to imagine what he’d be like in person in a sexual context.

To see him being dominant, confidently hugging this girl from behind while she melted in his arms was eye-opening and I liked it. He looked very much in love and I couldn’t deny that they made a beautiful couple.

But on the flip side, I noticed she looked nothing like me and it rocked the security I felt in Carter’s attraction to me… until I remembered a conversation we’d had months earlier when we first started talking regularly.

I’d asked him who his celebrity crush was. He gave me more than one — two of them were Laura Harrier and JT from City Girls. 

Well, if I was his Laura, she was his JT. I could live with that. I needed it to make sense in my brain, and that analogy helped. 

I realized I’d assumed the status of his other relationship was serious, but maybe in reality it wasn’t.

I’m a practical person, so I started imagining a scenario in which he could date both of us, respectfully.

From there, the only other question in my mind was the timeline of when they started dealing with each other. As I looked through her account I became privy to the fact that he’d known her for years. I wondered who was “the other woman” in this narrative. Was it me? Or had they been friends before becoming romantically involved? Did it even matter? Yes and no.

If they had been dating all along, it would’ve made me feel better to know I came afterward. If it had been the other way around, I would’ve felt like someone had “come between” our bond, and it would’ve stung more. I knew that mindset was immature and not even necessarily accurate, but I’m human.

I didn’t want to believe Carter had been dishonest about being in a relationship since we’d met back in 2019. I knew there were other scenarios that could be the truth, so I didn’t jump to conclusions. I just sat quietly with my new knowledge, planning to keep it to myself until we could talk in person. 

But that day never came. As the weeks went on, I started to emotionally detach from Carter. When he finally came back to LA, and even before that, I just didn’t get the sense we were on the same page. At a certain point our dynamic switched from him being more enamored with me to the other way around. And that’s an imbalance I just can’t handle.

While things between Carter and me aren’t going to work out, the experience with him has given me perspective. I used to be set on monogamy and now I feel way more fluid. We’re not always going to be interested in and attracted to one person at a time, and that’s okay. Relationships are what we make them. We get to define them on our own terms and design how we want them to function. 

Though a connection has been severed, I’m grateful to be on the other side with a new, enlightened outlook.