Back to Blake

Two months after I hooked up with Blake for the first time in years, I got a text from him on a Thursday morning around 9am: “How you been?” How had I been? Depressed, unmotivated, and heartbroken...but I went with, “Okay. u?” 

‘We made plans to hang out Saturday night. I looked forward to it; it gave me a reason to pluck myself out of my depressive state.’

After exchanging abbreviated updates on each other’s lives we made plans to hang out Saturday night. I looked forward to it; it gave me a reason to pluck myself out of my depressive state and pull myself together. I didn’t feel nervous or giddy, just genuinely grateful to look forward to something. 

On Saturday afternoon I reached out to Blake to confirm we were still meeting up, wary of his tendency to flake. He said we were still on.

I got to the restaurant first and as I waited for him to arrive I had a conversation with another patron who was waiting to be seated. He looked to be around my age and I could tell he was feeling me out to see if I was waiting for a friend or a date. When Blake showed up I enjoyed seeing the blended expression of disappointment and intimidation on the stranger’s face. It’s not often I’m in public with him, but when I am I love to see how people react to Blake’s unflinching confidence, good looks, and British accent.

That night marked the reinstatement of our no-strings-attached situationship. After things ended with Jake I decided I was taking a break from dating, but eight weeks later the arrangement with Blake fell into my lap.

“I don’t have feelings for him and I don’t expect that I will.”

Those were the “famous last words” I wrote about Blake at the top of the year. I was speaking with the cockiness of a recovering love and sex addict. Thinking I could casually engage with Blake without forming an attachment was equivalent to an alcoholic thinking they could have just one drink. After a couple of weeks of seeing him regularly I felt like I’d relapsed into a classic spiral of infatuation. I hated it. 

When I’d seen Blake months earlier, I was emotionally invested in someone else, so it was easy to compartmentalize my time with him — I had fun when we were together, but when we went our separate ways I didn’t think about him. As I healed from the trauma of my former relationship, however, I inadvertently made space for developing a connection with Blake.

The more time we spent together, the more I appreciated who he was. The more I appreciated who he was, the more self-conscious I became around him. 

Before linking with Blake, I went to brunch with my friends. It felt good to pick myself up after weeks of being in the dumps.

You know when you develop a crush and suddenly you start getting nervous around that person? It was getting to that point. As my self-consciousness grew, so did my vulnerability — because I couldn’t hide. I’m terrible at playing it cool when I like someone, plus Blake is perceptive, so he noticed the change in me. The beautiful thing was he accepted me, my awkwardness, and my insecurities.

I shared with Blake the same detail about my life that drove Jake away. Unlike Jake, Blake didn’t look at me differently and he wanted to continue our relationship — for real.

And it turned out I wasn’t the only vulnerable one. One week later Blake had something of his own to divulge. 

Absolutely stunning me, one night while we were hanging out at my apartment he told me he had “a girl” overseas who couldn’t get a visa to live in the states. 

In other words, he was in a relationship. It crushed me. It changed the way I saw our relationship and shifted what I thought had been a balanced friends-with-benefits situation.

It didn’t matter that he emphasized the fact that above anything else they were “business partners.” After the admission he asked me, “Are you ok? Are you good with the girl?”

I was in shock — so instead of answering, I turned up the music we were listening to. He laughed at my avoidant gesture and we went on with our night. 

But from the moment he told me he was involved with someone, something within me changed. My self-consciousness dissipated and I became sassy and snarky.

Like when we were hooking up and Blake told me I was hot.

“I know,” I quipped back. I was almost a flat out bitch. 

After he left that night, the Long Distance Girlfriend stayed on my mind as I tossed and turned in my sleep.

I always knew being boyfriend and girlfriend wasn’t in the cards for us, but I thought we were at least on the same page as far as being two single people who weren’t quite ready for a serious commitment… and who didn’t have any other love interests. Everything felt lopsided now. 

I found myself spending more and more time with Blake while I tried to figure out if I could handle our unconventional relationship. But before I fully decided how or if I wanted to move forward, I got news that changed everything. 

I found out I was pregnant.