The Switch Up

I was only moderately interested in Cooper* in the first weeks of us getting to know each other. When we started corresponding on Hinge I was in New Jersey spending the holidays with my family; he was on the west coast.

We spent a good amount of time texting, and then met in person shortly after I arrived back in LA. We fit in two back-to-back hangouts before work obligations brought him to Miami. I liked him after initially hanging out, but he liked me more. 

One night he so desperately wanted me to stay over that he offered me his toothbrush. “I mean, we have had our tongues in each other’s mouths,” he pointed out. I thought it was absurd. 

The first times we made out I felt nothing — no sparks, electricity, or even arousal. Still, I continued getting to know him, because why not? Sometimes relationships grow with a slow burn.

Before we met face-to-face, he’d send texts to tell me it was 11:11, which I thought was corny — particularly because we weren’t even in the same time zone. There were other turnoffs too, like his tendency to drunk dial me. 

I kept looking at his pictures and questioning if I was attracted to his lanky physique. I couldn’t quite tell if it was a full-on “dad bod.” I also noticed he had a narrow upper body and an odd hairline.

Still, he was persistent and I liked his commitment to talking to me. We had good conversations picking each other’s brains and getting familiar with one another. So I kept up our communication.

While he was in Miami we fell into a more solid rhythm of talking. I followed his lead. He’d tell me his day-to-day plans and inquire about mine. Once when he went hours without texting me he said, “Sorry for the neglect,” then sent a full rundown of what he had been doing. It was a green flag. It showed me what kind of boyfriend he might be — the kind who’s accountable, transparent, and checks in without me having to ask.

After that there was a shift in the way I viewed him. I started to develop feelings as we had extended FaceTime chats and as he showed he was making me a priority. The more we talked the more I appreciated who he was — someone who was self-aware, self-assured, and charming.

The things that made me question my attraction to him melted away as he acknowledged them one by one, like he was reading my mind. Cooper mentioned that he was making time for the gym, and that his back and shoulders were his most challenging areas due to how much alcohol he consumed.

He had no problem sharing with me that he took propecia medication to avoid going bald by the end of his 20s, like his father and grandfather had. I admired that he was owning who he was without inhibitions. 

This was the last time I saw Cooper. It was a last-ditch effort for me to try to make sense of things.

Another thing I came to appreciate about Coop was his command of proper English, ebonics, and street Spanish. I liked that he could code switch in and out of dialects and cultures. It made me more attracted to him. 

As he was loosening up with me I started to become intimidated by him, a pattern I regularly experience with people I date. I’m my best self in the beginning, when there’s nothing at stake. When I sense that someone’s worth my time, I get in my head.

That’s exactly what happened when Cooper got back from Miami and came to my place for the first time. After two weeks of talking on the phone, I couldn’t believe he was right in front of me. My feelings for him had grown since the last time we saw each other and it was hard for me to stay present. I was awkward and not on my A-game, but I thought the night went okay overall.

Things changed after that though. It was subtle, but I felt an energy shift. He seemed uninterested. Distant. Different. He went on a trip for a few days and as I anxiously awaited his return I wondered if he’d want to keep seeing me when he got back.

I was relieved to find out that he did want to see me… or at least he pretended to. Without me having to ask, he initiated our next hangout. He got back on a Monday and we made plans to see each other that Thursday.

However, what happened next threw me for a loop. I sent Cooper a text on Tuesday and he never responded. On Wednesday night I called and got no answer — but he’d been posting on Instagram. By Thursday afternoon I was in tears as I accepted I was being ghosted.

Then he popped up as though had happened: “Hey love. What if we did tomorrow instead?”

It was the strangest thing to me. What kind of sociopath acts like that? He knew I was unhappy because he asked, “Are you annoyed/upset?” I told him the switch up was anxiety-inducing for me and he was apologetic. My emotions had been up and down so we nixed our plans for that night.

Ironically, after apologizing he said he’d give me space and circle back. “Space” was the last thing I needed. “Space” was what had gotten us in this position in the first place.

If he wanted to never hit me up again he could have — I kind of expected it; he had a clear “out.” But Cooper reached out to me again, confusing me more. Once again, we made plans to spend time later in the week.

This is where I should’ve cut my losses and moved on. The two-day absence was a clear indication that his feelings about me had changed. It was a red flag, regardless of how remorseful he acted. But, I wanted to get to the bottom of it. Plus, my feelings were invested and my judgement was clouded; I wanted this relationship to work. I wanted to believe there was something between us. We hadn’t had sex yet and I was also curious about that.

When we finally got together and went to Soho House it kind of felt like we were on another first date… except it was less light-hearted and had a tinge of bitterness. I tried not to come off cold but it was hard. Cooper seemed to get a kick out of the whole thing. I threw back cocktails to help break the ice and ended up drinking too much. My attempts to talk about why he disappeared for those two days were met with sarcasm and patronization. I hadn’t realized until I replayed it in my mind days later.

So we left Soho in his Volvo and drove back to my apartment. But not before jumping in the photo booth and taking two sets of pictures — the only tangible tokens from that night. As we settled into my place I began to black out.

It’s patchy from there. We played songs and talked about them. Then I remember getting in bed. I remember him being on top of me. Then, unconsciousness until I came to and Cooper said, “You get on top.” From there I recall briefly enjoying the sex until we finished. We sat on my couch and talked some more before I got dressed and walked Coop out.
By the time I got back upstairs he had already sent me a text saying he had fun and asking if he’d see me again soon. I gave him a bit of a hard time, but it felt like things were back to normal with us. We texted the next day too and it reminded me of how we were before things had taken a turn.

Cooper was just a good actor though. He had emotionally checked out of our situationship. He didn’t really hit me up after that, except on Instagram, and I understood what it was. I came to my senses and stopped entertaining him. The dissolution of our relationship was emotionally taxing and took a physical toll on me. I was sick to my stomach thinking of how I’d been played.

Early in the talking stage Cooper had asked me to give two words to describe myself. I chose “composed” and “creative.”

To describe himself he went with “compassionate” and “confident.” But I didn’t see either of those traits displayed as our relationship ended. A compassionate and confident person would have had no problem having a conversation to let me know he had a change of heart.

I think “cowardly” would’ve been more fitting.

* Name has been changed