Everything & Nothing
Where do I start with Blake? We met in 2018. He was 25 and I was 27. Even though he was younger than me I felt like he was smarter, more mature, more clever, more everything. He seemed to have his shit together in a way that I didn’t. On top of all that he was sexy and foreign. I could never quite grasp him the way I wanted; I’d spend time with him but he was always seemingly out of my reach...or out of my league. In the past I’ve referred to him as “Mr. Elusive.”
We’d originally met at nighttime and maybe that set the tone for our relationship. It didn’t take long after our first date for me to categorize him as a fuckboy. He was fun, but notoriously flakey. He’d often call me in the middle of the night, and sometimes I’d bite because I was usually wide awake and just getting off work.
At some point I got fed up with his inconsistency and stopped dealing with him. I was living in an AirBnB, struggling fiscally and emotionally, and had no language for expressing my feelings to the men I was dating. In other words, I was in no position to be in a serious relationship, but that was all I really wanted at the time. Blake’s inability (or lack of desire) to take me seriously was hurtful and I just couldn’t handle being in a casual situation with him.
Things are much different now. For the past year Blake and I have texted sporadically, sometimes making plans that never come to fruition, sometimes just shooting the shit…until recently. Back in December, when I was on the east coast, Blake sent one of his random texts. I told him I was out of town, we chatted for a bit, and I didn’t think about him again until he reached out three weeks later. “Are you back yet?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“So when are we hanging out?”
We made plans to go on a hike, but when the time came around neither of us reached out to the other one. Finally, we were on one accord of not really giving a shit. Unlike three years ago, I don’t have any real feelings invested in what happens with us one way or another.
That’s why three days ago when I hit him up I knew it’d be a great escape for me emotionally. I’d woken up feeling disenchanted about the circumstances of my love life and Blake was just the right person to provide a balm. “Let’s make out this weekend,” I texted him.
It was an unusually gloomy day in Los Angeles. I got to his place around 2:30pm. I opened his gate to find him looking as good as I remembered, in a navy hoodie and matching sweatpants that made his big…blue eyes pop. His beard was longer but there was something else more grown-up about him that I couldn’t put my finger on.
It stopped raining long enough for us to go on a three mile walk. We talked longer than we ever had in one sitting. I think it was only our second time having a sober conversation face-to-face during the day. When we got back to his place we talked about my dating life while drinking beer and listening to music. He listened to my stories and gave me his perspective. It was refreshing to hear his opinions about my love life without the interference of having romantic feelings for him.
We made out, ordered Thai, and had sex while watching the new Tiger Woods documentary. I was on my period but he didn’t mind, and that made the whole thing sweeter (messier, but sweeter). Afterward he fell asleep in my lap while I stroked his hair. It felt like we were cosplaying a couple who was a few years into a broken-in, loving, comfortable relationship—and honestly, that’s my kinkiest fantasy.
Reconnecting with Blake felt great. With all the volatility of not just my love life, but life in general, it felt comforting to be with someone familiar, someone who knows me, and someone I know I can trust. He’s still flakey, but this time around, I am too. I’m not emotionally invested and that’s why things can finally just be carefree and relaxed with us. I don’t have feelings for him, and I don’t expect that I will. I really don’t like casual sex, but this feels like friends-with-benefits in the truest sense. Our hookup might have “meant nothing,” but it was exactly what I needed at the moment, and that meant the world to me.
Photo by gr00ve
