Silent Split

My first date with D took place the week after I got back from Miami with E. I was very much still into E but knew better than to put all my eggs in one basket. We met up at a Mexican restaurant near his place. The first thing I noticed about D was his sexy-ass voice. It was textured with rasp, relaxed, and confident. Over margaritas he talked to me about his whirlwind of a year, loaded with life changes like a called-off engagement, moving to a new part of town, and starting a new job. He was full of positivity and excitement about it all.

After more drinks and an order of fajitas I was enjoying our time together so much that I bailed on plans to finish recording an audio story with my voice coach. I decided to go home with D instead. On our walk to his apartment I told him I didn’t like to follow people I date right away on social media. I explained how it could be either toxic, or simply pointless, depending on what direction the relationship took.

Back at his spot we listened to a DJ set on YouTube and made out on his couch. I was turned on by his stellar taste in music and the fact that he didn’t tolerate me calling him “bro.” We went from living room to office to bedroom, hooking up until we passed out on his bed in a drunken stupor. We did not have sex. I woke up in the middle of the night, got dressed, and went home.

Later he texted me & asked if I was alright. “Big sneak,” he said. He playfully added that he “wouldn’t hate” seeing me again. We did see each other again, a month later. Within that time he’d found my Instagram and we started following each other, despite my “rule.”

The ‘gram became our primary medium for communicating. We’d exchange memes, music, and links to tweets regularly. We were slowly, steadily building a rapport. I even followed his cat’s Instagram account and, to my surprise, received a follow back.

The next time we hung out D came to my place. There was a lot of built-up anticipation so I was super anxious. I wondered if he’d like my space, and how I’d keep him entertained. It was a huge relief when he arrived and settled in with his pleasant, laid-back energy.

That night I got too inebriated for us to hook up. When he left in the morning I remember thinking what a great time I had and that he was someone I could see myself spending time with regularly. By then, things with me & E had completely ended.

Our music exchanges had become more deliberate. We’d share songs to convey our feelings toward each other. It was cute. I really liked that we’d known each other for over four weeks and still hadn’t had sex, even though it wasn’t intentional. It felt like we were truly getting to know each other and it kept me from getting too attached.

Two months after we met, D invited me on a trip to Palm Springs with him and his friends. It would only be our third time hanging out, but it felt like we’d been making a genuine effort to get to know each other in the time between. I told my therapist I felt like we “earned” the getaway, in contrast to when E and I went to Miami within a week of meeting.

The desert excursion went smoothly enough. I had some social anxiety, but we were drunk most of the time, so it was fine. There was lots of food, music, and making out…but still no sex, just fooling around. When D dropped me off at the end of the weekend I wasn’t sure where we stood. Spending extended time like that with someone can indicate compatibility or lack thereof, and whether or not there’s a potential future. For me, I was still interested in seeing where things could go.

After Palm Springs I noticed his cat unfollowed me on Instagram and it sent me into a mini panic. I know how completely ridiculous that sounds but it’s true. As I mentioned earlier, I didn’t expect the feline to follow me in the first place, so to have it interact with me initially, only to later retract the follow, felt indicative of something deeper. Did D lose interest after spending prolonged time with me on the trip?

I tried not to overthink it. I decided that his ex-fiancé (whom I’d done enough research on to infer that they once jointly ran the cat’s account) must have logged in and unfollowed me out of spite. Never mind if it was true or not; it was what I told myself to cope. Shit like this is exactly why I don’t like to follow men on social media before we define the relationship.

I invited D over for one last link-up before I left for the east coast for three weeks. As usual, we had a great time sipping, listening to music, and picking at the ramen I ordered. It felt good to know we were still connected after the doubts I had.

The next morning, after weeks of anticipation and failed attempts, we finally had sex. It made me want to skip my flight home and stay in Los Angeles. I could feel the change in our dynamic immediately—the dopamine being released, making me want him more. Before he left I hugged him tight and said, “Don’t forget about me,” in reference to the time I was about to spend on the east coast.

“What?!” he said emphatically, as though it was an impossibility. Our communication was normal and steady the first week I was gone, but something changed later on. D became less engaging and then stopped initiating conversations altogether. Fortunately for me, I’d started seeing Jake unexpectedly, and it was a welcome distraction. But I was still perplexed by the dead silence between us.

Days later I saw that D had lost a loved one when he posted about it on Instagram. I remembered that his canceled wedding date had rolled around as well. It became obvious that he no longer had the capacity to entertain whatever had been going on between us, which I kind of understand. What I have a harder time wrapping my head around is not having the decency to just say that.

I know how precarious romantic relationships are and that there’s a societal sentiment of not owing anyone anything, particularly when there’s no exclusivity involved. This kind of treatment still feels cheap though.

I’m utterly baffled by the dissolution of my relationship with D, but I’m not surprised. It reaffirms my understanding that there are no guarantees in life, especially when it comes to dating. The silver lining here is that just as quickly as one situation unravels, a new one can begin to take shape. It’s my job to remain fluid throughout the changes.

photo by @gr00ve___